


In My Blood

by unending_happiness



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst, Angst and Feels, Did I mention angst, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Domestic Malec, Have you ever met two people more in love, I mentioned angst right?, I think not, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, POV Alec Lightwood, Promises, Protective Alec Lightwood, Sad Alec, True Love, angst with a side of hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 08:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14101188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unending_happiness/pseuds/unending_happiness
Summary: Alec struggles to keep a very difficult promise to Magnus.





	In My Blood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sanar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanar/gifts).



> A birthday gift for my dear angst loving friend. 
> 
> Happy Birthday, P. I love you dearly. I'm so sorry this is so horribly late. Please forgive me! I wanted it to be good and as you know, angst is difficult for me. I hope you love it, because you deserve all the beautiful angsty fics. Thanks for being my friend. I love you to SL and back.
> 
> Beta'd by the very best beta and friend in the whole wide world @Ladymatt. I don't deserve you, M. I love you as much as Alec loves sleeping next to Magnus each and every night. Thank you for staying up until way way past your bedtime so that I could get one done and end my horrid writing dry spell.
> 
> Title inspired by Shawn Mendes "In My Blood" which served as an unexpected and great inspiration for parts of this fic.

Alec ran his hand down the lapel of a gray jacket that he hadn’t seen Magnus wear before now. “You look amazing,” he whispered, drinking in the sight of him.

“But-” Magnus said, his eyes sparkling in the way they did when he was about to tease him. “Do I look like the man of your dreams?”

Alec smiled and pulled him closer, leaning in to whisper, “You keep joking, but I was very serious about that.” The last word muffled by a kiss to his boyfriend’s neck.

“I know you were,” Magnus agreed, tilting his head so Alec could kiss along his jaw. “Alexander, we don’t have to go tonight. We can stay in and I can live up to my reputation,” he said as he reached up to loosen his cravat.

Alec captured his hand in his own before he could start undressing. “We _have_ to go, Magnus.” He knew that he was dreading the party, but he had no choice, and Alec was going to help him get through it.

“You are going to have to stop kissing me then, Angel. I only have so much self control,” he said as he pressed his body against Alec’s, making things harder for both of them.

Alec sighed, then reached up and loosened the cravat himself. He simply couldn’t resist. “I think we can arrive fashionably late, if you promise to magic our clothes back on after,” he said, waving a hand around in the air as he often did when referring to Magnus’ magic.

“Deal,” Magnus said, sliding his hand along Alec’s back and tucking his fingers under his waistband. “I love you.”

Alec looked into those golden eyes, “I love you too, Dreamy.”

Water dripped onto his hand, snapping him out of the memory. He pressed his fingers into the cool marble of the counter and slowly opened his eyes. He breathed in deeply, as if that would actually help the inevitable pain, and lifted his face to the steamy mirror. The drops of water running down the glass mimicked the ones running down his face, and he realized that he had forgotten to dry his hair after his shower. He could barely feel the damp spots of his clean shirt sticking to his skin. He could barely feel anything at all except the desperate ache in his chest.

Some days the memories made him stronger and hope fueled his steps. Other days he found himself standing in their bathroom and staring down a bottle of Magnus’ cologne like it was his worst enemy. In a way it was, but it was also his lifeline, just like every other thing in the way too quiet loft. Classical music and laughter had been replaced with a silence so thick that it made him feel like he was drowning in it.

He told himself that smelling Magnus’ cologne wouldn’t keep him from falling over the edge of despair, that it was a sad substitute for the real thing, but his hand reached out and grabbed the bottle anyway. He liberally sprayed the scent into the air and breathed it in, allowing it to give him a few rare seconds of relief. _He’s going to kick my ass when he gets back_ , he thought, picturing the disgruntled look on his boyfriend’s face when he returned from Hell to find his favorite expensive and rare cologne all used up. _If he even comes back._ His heart stuttered at the unwelcome thought, and he ran a towel across his hair a little too roughly before throwing it in the basket.

He padded into their bedroom on bare feet. Truth was, he hadn’t lived here long enough to really feel like any of the other rooms were his, but Magnus was his, and this was where they slept. He would give anything to wrap his body around him tonight and feel the warmth of his skin. He rubbed a hand over his face trying to wipe away the thought before it consumed him, and realized that he forgot to use his iratze to heal his palm. Normally he could throw himself into work during the day and cope that way. He had a job to do, people to take care of, but today all he could think about was the fact that the one person he wanted to care for most could be in serious danger. He had been way too distracted with his thoughts all day and it showed. First there had been the cut to his hand when he got in the way of Jace’s seraph blade, and then the meeting in which he’d zoned out, resulting in a condescending comment from Raj.

He stopped and weaved on his feet a little and tried to remember the last time he ate. He at least needed to use a nourishment rune. He checked the clock. _A few more hours._ He had to be a functioning person for just a few more hours until he could end his day wrapped around Magnus’ pillow and surrender to the pain. He slid calloused fingers lightly across the blue silk robe hanging by the door as he left the room.

His phone chimed from the coffee table and he knew from the sound that it was Isabelle. He had spent the first two weeks answering his phone in a panic every time it rang, until Clary took pity on him and gave everyone their own special ringtone so that he wouldn’t think it was Magnus each time. _Do cell phones even work in Edom?_ He asked himself for the hundredth time. None of the books in the Institute library had given him the right kind of information about the place the love of his life had disappeared to.

He didn’t even bother going to the phone because he knew that his sister was calling to ask him what he wanted for dinner, and he knew that when he didn’t respond, she would know it was an especially hard day and she would bring him his favorite pizza. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he would never eat pizza from that place again after this, having associated it with missing Magnus. _After this_. He found himself wondering how long this would go on and how long he could go through the motions while waiting for Magnus to reach out and let him know he was okay.

He didn’t feel like company tonight, but he knew Izzy would show up anyway, no matter what he said. It was a sad routine, one that he had vehemently argued against in the beginning. He didn’t need a babysitter, but his family just kept coming by the loft every evening like clockwork. Each day it was a different person checking in on him, under the guise of bringing him dinner, as if he didn’t know how to feed himself until he met Magnus. He would open the door, give whoever it was a fake smile and sit in front of the T.V. with a takeout box, not really paying any attention to the conversation or the show.

Cat even got worked into the rotation somehow, although he suspected that was as much for her as it was for him. He was glad for her company though, because she never made him participate in small talk and she had a penchant for bringing things Magnus often cooked for him. Sometimes she brought Madzie along too, and that made him feel a bit better. Unlike most people, Madzie didn’t pretend everything was fine. She would ask endless questions about Magnus and where he had gone. Not long ago she had even asked Alec when he was going to “go and get him”. Catarina had quickly answered that one. “Shadowhunters don’t belong there, Madz. They aren’t of that world, and Magnus is very strong. Don’t worry. He will be fine,” she reassured her, as she cleared plates from the table. The look on Madzie’s face showed her skepticism, but she quickly dropped it and turned her focus to her dessert.

 _Shadowhunters don’t belong there._ The sentence felt like a knife twisting in his gut everytime it rang through his head. He was very sure he belonged _with_ Magnus, wherever that was. The real answer to Madzie’s question wasn’t the one Cat gave her, of course. The reason he hadn’t gone after Magnus was because he had made him promise not to. He had also made Catarina promise not to help Alec get into Edom, something that was a point of contention between them. Knowing Magnus, he had done the same with every other warlock in the city, and so Alec hadn’t even tried that avenue. Besides, he didn’t think he could ever trust anyone else with something as important as Magnus’ life.

“It’s been too long. Something’s definitely wrong,” he had said one night to Jace. His parabatai had stopped by very late, unannounced, no doubt a result of him feeling Alec’s extreme agitation through their bond. He knew that if he had been in a better state of mind, he would have felt bad for Jace having to experience all of this torment as well.

Jace shook his head, and reminded him, “Magnus said that time wasn’t always the same there, right? So it might just seem like a long time to _you_.”

Alec didn’t bother explaining to him that even a single day without Magnus seemed like a long time to him.

“What if it’s not? What if he _needs_ me, Jace?! And I’m just here going to meetings and filling out reports. I’ve never felt so useless in my life!” His emotions got the better of him and he slammed his fist down on the table. A glass fell to the floor and countless shards scattered. He wondered if his heart would break exactly like that if Magnus never returned to him.

“He told you to stay, right? He has to know better than anyone what the best thing is to do here,” Jace tried to reason with him. They had been through this before, multiple times.

“I’m not going to do anything reckless tonight. I appreciate you checking on me, but you can go back home.” The anger went away as fast as it came and he was suddenly tired down to his bones. Tears stung the corner of his eyes.

“Just tonight?” Jace questioned. “Okay, well if you change your mind tomorrow and want to go raise hell, call me.”

“Yeah, because you need more trouble to get into.” Alec huffed. He wasn’t putting Jace or anyone else in that kind of danger. “I’m going to try to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning?”

When Jace left, he had leaned right there against the door and let his tears fall.

Izzy called again and Alec ignored his ringing phone, walking instead to the door to Magnus’ office. This was the one place he hadn’t entered at all while he was gone. The room was so very _Magnus_ that it was almost a living thing, and he just hadn’t been able to do it before now. He stepped over the threshold tentatively. Somewhere in the back of his mind he reminded himself that this was a very bad idea, but he just didn’t know what else to do. He looked immediately to the right, at the exact spot where he last saw Magnus. His heart pounded in his chest and he closed his eyes, picturing him exactly as he had been that day.

They both knew it had to be done, that Magnus had to go somewhere Alec couldn’t follow, and Alec had been absolutely frantic with worry. Magnus, however, had been calm, his face a mask of strength and fortitude as he left Alec with clear instructions. Instructions that he wasn’t to try to follow him to Edom, no matter how long it took him to return. His voice had been steady and strong as he made Alec promise to wait here, and as he made a promise of his own. He _would_ make it back, he assured him, “Why wouldn’t I? Look what I have waiting for me.” There was so much conviction in that statement that Alec had no choice but to believe him, but each passing day brought a new level of doubt and desperation that left Alec warring with himself over what he needed to do. Surely Magnus would have reached out to him in some way by now if he really was fine?

“Magnus, where the hell are you?” he asked aloud. It was one of those things he couldn’t explain to anyone else, but he felt that something wasn’t right with every fiber of his being. It was a tug, much like the one that had him turning his back on a wedded union rune and walking down the aisle to choose Magnus. He didn’t want to break his promise to him, but he had made an even bigger promise to take care of him. It was in each honest declaration, in each way they made love. It was in every single beautiful moment they spent together.

Magnus knew him well, and so he had to know that, no matter what, Alec would battle any odds, would risk anything and everything to keep him safe. _He knows me._ The thought slammed into him and adrenaline flooded his veins.

His mind was reeling as he ran around the loft gathering all the important things. He snatched up his phone, stele, bow and quiver and hopped around trying to put his boots on in a hurry. He didn’t even bother lacing them as he ran out to the balcony. He climbed up on the ledge, quickly drew a rune on his hand and stepped off of the building, falling gracefully with ease. He started running the moment his feet touched the ground, sprinting the ten blocks to where he was going. When he got there, he knocked furiously.

Catarina opened the door, a look of worry on her face as soon as she saw it was him, which changed quickly to an expression of understanding that he didn’t take the time to register.

“Listen, Cat”, he said breathlessly, “I really think something is wrong, and I have to go. I just have to make sure he’s okay. I can’t stay here without him...I don’t care what he said and I don’t care if I’m in danger there.....or if it’s a death sentence. I can’t _not_ go. It isn’t in my blood.” He stopped briefly for a gulp of air and leveled his gaze to hers. “I’m sorry, but if you won’t help me, I’ll find someone else, but I _am_ going to go get Magnus.” He waited in silence for her to throw him off her doorstep.

She looked at him with fierce eyes and said, “Well, it’s about damn time.”

**Author's Note:**

> These characters don't belong to me, of course. They are property of Cassandra Clare and Freeform (ShadowhuntersTV). I just enjoy playing with them.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @unending-happiness and twitter @blj2007


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